Summary: He couldn't trust himself anymore.
Notes: I had intended to write a sequel to this but never got around to it so figured I would throw it out here. This part is GEN but my intention was to eventually have it be McKay/Sheppard. If someone does choose to write a sequel I would very much prefer that it be McKay/Sheppard or gen (I'd rather there was no pairing at all if you don't want to write McShep). The idea was of course for more angst but I had always intended a happy ending with Rodney back on the team where he belongs. It's Rodney's POV so it's skewed slightly. The idea was to write a sequel where Rodney learns he's stronger than he believed, where he learns that no one thinks he betrayed them. *g* OK I'm shutting up now ;)
He stepped out into the rain, staring at the railing remembering Koyla holding him over the side, seconds from letting him drop. Elizabeth had convinced him Rodney was still needed--he wasn't sure anymore. He closed his eyes as the rain soaked through his clothes causing him to shiver--had it already been a week since the Genii had tried to take over Atlantis...since he'd almost helped them accomplish it?
The metal was cold and slick beneath his hands as he curled his fingers around it. The hurricane had passed, Atlantis had survived, they'd defeated the Genii...John had defeated the Genii and life was slowly trickling back to normal. The rain had continued falling gently now for the last week and he wondered briefly if Atlantis was prone to monsoon seasons. He supposed it didn't really matter...funny how it didn't seem to matter. Two weeks ago he would have been standing there full blown panic attack as he ranted about their certain doom at the hands of Mother Nature. He shook his head, water flying from his hair...amazing how betraying your friends could change your point of view.
He slid to the steps, wrapping his arms around his knees, ignoring the cold seeping into his body. Elizabeth had forced him to see Heightmeyer; sure he had issues he wasn't dealing with--amazing how observant Elizabeth was of the blatantly obvious. How could he not have issues after almost being killed, tortured, almost seeing Elizabeth killed in front of him, scared John would be capture and finally--how could he not have issues knowing that Koyla broke him?
He'd be damned though if he would discuss any of that with some quack barely out of university.
Elizabeth could ground him if she wanted--in fact he thought it was probably a good idea that he be suspended from the team. How could they trust him now? How could he trust himself? He doubted she'd do it though--after all he was the foremost expert on ancient technology. They needed him to tell them if the toys they found off world would be able to benefit Atlantis. As he sat there staring at the water sheeting across the ocean he made a decision--a tough one, but then he was probably the only one capable of it.
He stood shivering, heading for the door. A hot shower and change of clothes later he sat in front of his laptop typing furiously. Hitting print he closed his eyes listening to the printer spitting out his resignation from AG-1. He folded it neatly and walked towards Elizabeth's office. It was early, or late depending on how you looked at it but at three in the morning Elizabeth's office was quiet and empty. He placed the folded paper on her desk and turned quickly from the room walking towards his lab.
He couldn't trust himself anymore and knowing that he also knew he could never step through that gate again on another mission--he'd never put his team...former team in jeopardy again. He was the weak link, the one every sadistic bastard in this galaxy honed in on inherently knowing just by looking at him that he would be the first to break, the first to betray the people who meant more to him than he ever thought possible.
They broke him once and he'd never give anyone the chance to do it again. Sliding behind his desk, opening his laptop he knew this was where he belonged--in the lab...he belonged here all along and he would make sure he never deluded himself into thinking otherwise again.